There’s Only Time?

When I was younger, I had an image of who I was going to be when I got older. Not what, but who, because I had no idea what career path I was going to take at all. (See You Be The Judge ). No matter what my profession was going to be, I knew that I wanted to be an amazing mother, and an excellent wife. As time went on, and I began to try to figure myself out, I hit some road bumps along the way. I ended up here in the Midwest alone, as my entire family moved to the east coast without me. By my choice really, as I decided I was strong enough to be self sufficient, but in the end I was really not as prepared for the real world as I thought. I had some bumps that were tragic, some that were frustrating, and each time I fell down, I would get back up again.

Enter a man, and the fact that I was utterly lost in my own world, and you have the result that is me still trying to figure out who I am twenty years later. I won’t bore you with the details about how we both agree we should have parted ways long ago, and how, to this day, we are trying to figure out how to coexist in this world we made for ourselves. However, I can tell you that one good thing that came out of us was our three amazing children. We hit many bumps early on in our relationship that changed the course of my ideal being. Many hard and unbelievable times where I was the one left holding all of the pieces together….and just barely at that. In the tragedies, I was the strong one, I made things flow smoothly, I made sacrifices to allow others to thrive.

So I am a wife, and a mother now, but not the perfect image of either that I had envisioned when I was younger. Honestly, my younger self had no clue what being a wife and mother entailed. I surely was foolish to think I was going to be a June Cleaver with a spotless house, and meals ready at five every night. But through all of the good and bad times, my children have always come first. And we are at a time in our life where stability is our friend, and nobody goes without. Our kids have grown up to be exceptional human beings, and I am blessed in all that I have. But….I have lost myself along the way.

Time has shown me that tragedies tend to motivate me more than happy moments. This is not as freakish as it sounds, because in a way I feel that I am stronger pushing through the tough times, than I am when I just coast on the feelings of a happy moment. I dislike drama however, and I am over the constant wave of bad luck in life. I decided to find a new motivation to drive me to persevere. I dropped out of college after getting my Associate’s Degree, as my world at the time was unstable. I am now back in college to get my Bachelors AND Creative Writing Certificate at The University of Iowa. I go have dinner with friends, and take time to be alone. I am learning how to carve time out for me. I have realized that for so many years I was putting myself on the back burner, to make sure everyone else was taken care of. I was forfeiting my own dreams and goals to take care of those around me. I was neglecting myself.

Carving out time for yourself makes you a better parent, a better wife. Carving out time for yourself allows for rejuvenation and reflection. If you are falling apart from neglect, how can you possibly manage taking care of others. I do not have to be the one that solves every problem anymore. I do not need to be in control of every situation. I need to get back to me, and figure out who I am….who I want to be. Letting go of the urge to always handle everything is a different matter, but being able to focus on what will make me a better me is worth learning how to let go. And, at 38, I am walking the path of finding out who I am, one step at a time.

(Daily Prompt) Carve

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