It has been a tough couple of weeks. I feel like I am trying to hold everything together, but the harder I try, the worse it all gets. It is like I am holding this ball of yarn, with the intentions of making a sweater. But as I try to begin to unwind it, the yarn unravels too fast, so fast I cannot regain control of it. There ends up being a pile of string on the floor, and I point and say, “It’s a sweater.”
That is my life, in a semi-helpful tragic visual.
I try to juggle every task I have with a smile. Work, home, my school, kid’s activities…….but sometimes the weight of it all makes me start to lose my smile. Then people are mad because I do not smile anymore, and chose to just complain instead of asking if they can help.
Other times, it is not the weight of all I have to do. Instead it is just one out of nowhere surprise that can tip me off course. The shock I had a week and a half ago was that tipping point, and I am still struggling to find the balance again. I had a friend commit suicide. No warning, no indication…..he’s just gone.
It has hit me hard. And I don’t really know how to stop thinking about it. The infinite question about why did he do it just re-plays in my mind. I feel for his family and co-workers. They spent the most time with him. He was a major part of my life for over three plus years, but I did not see him everyday. Yet I am still left asking the same questions everyone else is. It is hard to wrap my head around how sad he must have been.
And this tipping point has caused me to struggle with school, lack motivation at home, and be disgruntled at work. Though I do feel better than I did last week, I must admit. It was the one ball too many in my juggling act of life that made me drop them all, and tipped me over the edge.
I’m advocating more on suicide prevention, and educating myself on the signs. I am slowly winding my ball of yarn up again, at an attempt to reclaim my sanity.
Now to find my feet again…..and find reasons again to smile.