Contemplating Among the Tulips

This weekend is the 75th annual tulip festival in Iowa. It’s a really fun weekend where you get to learn about, and celebrate the Dutch heritage. There are tons of beautiful tulips in the city, and many activities. As a child, my family and I would go every year, and spend the whole day there. One of my favorite pictures is of me and my brother kneeling down by the tulips at the festival. He was two and I was fifteen at the time. I have many great memories there.

This time of year makes me sad, though. You see it was twelve years ago this weekend that I had a miscarriage……

My friend was going to the tulip festival, and invited my two year old daughter and I to go with her. We had so much fun that day. We rode on rides, ate really good food, and took in the beauty of the colorful tulips. On our way home, everything changed. We were about a half hour from home on the highway, when I started feeling really sick. My abdomen hurt so bad, I felt like I was going to pass out. I had actually been feeling semi nauseated all day, but kept pushing that feeling to the side, so I wouldn’t ruin our day. There was no ignoring the sick feelings now. My friend was driving and pulled the car over, and I got sick. I thought it was the flu. We made it to my house, and my husband was there waiting for me. As I got out of her car, there was blood on her seat. I knew then something was horribly wrong.

When I saw the doctor, it was confirmed that I had indeed miscarried. I was overcome with such a wave of sadness. Now mind you, I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I was almost seven weeks along. I was in shock, and in mourning. It breaks my heart for the women who miscarry further in their pregnancy. The moms who know they are expecting, and are even more attached to their baby that is to come. How my heart breaks when I hear of such a loss with another mother.

I think it can be said, that anyone who has miscarried, holds a certain bond with others who have as well. No matter the length of time that you were pregnant, the sadness is still all too real. And it becomes a memory that pulls on your heart every year on the anniversary of the day it happened. It is a sadness that can only be understood by others who have felt it, too.

I had two children after my miscarriage. My son will be eleven this June, and my daughter just turned seven in January. My oldest daughter is now fourteen.  So, though I have been blessed with three beautiful children, my heart still gets heavy twelve years later during tulip festival time. I have never been back to the tuple festival since that day. It is on my bucket list to go back to it one year, and create a new memory. Someday.

4 thoughts on “Contemplating Among the Tulips

  1. Your post touched me today. I had a miscarriage many years ago at 13 weeks. I remember the sadness lasted many years. Recently I have been thinking about this son or daughter I never had, and tried to imagine them as still being part of my life. It was a nice mental journey. I hope one day you’ll feel able to enjoy the tulip festival again. A thought I had while reading your post: what if this beautiful soul, who knew it was time to go, chose to go when their mother would be surrounded by beautiful flowers and happy families? From that perspective, it seems like a loving gift and place to say good-bye to you. ❤ Anyway I hope that image gives you a small moment of peace today. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I love your thought on why that was the time to go. A perfect way to look at it. ❤

      Like

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