What Was It All For?

I dropped my two youngest children off at school this morning, and cried all the way home. My heart aches because I feel like I have failed them. They are back into being thrown into the group, made to conform to what everyone else is doing. I failed at giving them their chance to grow at their speed, and discover at their pace, fast or slow.

When we made the decision to homeschool, I did so much research. I thought I had it all ready to go. My 5th grade son was testing at mid-year 6th grade math, and that’s where we started. My 1st grade daughter was at 2nd grade reading level, and 2nd grade math level, so we started there with her as well. Now, I drop them off today, and my son’s teacher says he will have to be tested to see what math level he belongs in, so for now he will be in general math. Not challenged. Sigh. I screwed up, and now he will not be challenged in math until he takes said test.

Everybody-is-a-genius-quoteI believed in what  was doing for them. I believed in it so much, that I quit my good paying full time job so that I could be home more with them to teach. I settled for a part time, lower paying job, but it was ok, because I was standing up for what I believed to be right. But, as the saying goes, “A house divided cannot stand.”

I was doing all of the lesson planning and teaching. I was drilled everyday about “what are the kids actually learning”, and “how can you teach them everything in 4 hours.” Then it started getting down to my income I was bringing in. It isn’t enough, but I cannot work anymore hours than I do, or the kids’ education will suffer. How can the person who supported this whole change for our family with me, now be against me? I cannot tolerate arguments in front of my children, especially when it came to their schooling. I never want them to think it was their fault we argued.

Then came the day I had enough. I was tired of the insults, the harsh voice, the demeaning tone in which I was talked to. I backed down. I caved in. I enrolled them back in school, and cried because I deserted what I believed in. All because of one “bully.” Weakness comes to mind when I type that last sentence. Can you imagine what the world would be like if nobody stood up for what they believed in? If, at the first sign of resistance, people would back down, and not fight for change? d38e79cf1d84cac0e8d1c23a8d2c000fHorrible.

Please do not think that I have abandoned this notion. I know my children, and I know what goes on in schools these days. I volunteered in class last year, and all it is in the day is testing. No lie. 85% of the day. But I digress. I will revisit this belief of mine at a later time. When I am more prepared than I already was, and when my sense of strength against oppression improves. For now, my children will survive school this year, and I am on the hunt for a better paying job.

29 thoughts on “What Was It All For?

  1. Don’t beat yourself up. There is always time for homeschooling. Even one year with a parent can have a huge impact on a kid, so those efforts are not for nothing.

    Men, I have found can sometimes have a hard time with it. I had a tough time getting my husband’s support when we home schooled our kids. He bought into the myth that kids will fall behind or they aren’t getting the best education possible. It took a lot of patience convincing him and several times I remember being hurt and frustrated that I didn’t have more of his support. He eventually came around, but it was really hard to stand my ground and yet try to honor his opinion. Today he is a big fan of homeschooling, but it wasn’t always like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Firstly, take a look at the Mark Twain quote amongst these: https://lancegreenfield.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/some-quotes-that-i-like/. I hope that it makes you chuckle and also puts it all in perspective.

    Secondly, I am fairly serious about how this quote applies to me. I actually learned a lot in school, not all of it academic, but I learned a lot more back home and out there in the real world. Trust me, every minute that you spend with your children is education for them. Maybe it is not structured. Maybe it doesn’t fit any national or state curriculum. But they are continually learning from their mother so you are effectively home-schooling them.

    Thirdly, don’t take yourself too seriously. Have fun. Learning for you and your children will naturally fall out of having fun together.

    Finally, you sound like a great Mom!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I enjoyed the quotes 🙂 I just have to regroup, get a new strategy, and dive in again. It will all work out how it is supposed to….thank you for your kind words!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You liked ALL of my quotes? Usually, people have something to say (challenge) about at least one of them! I have quite a few more good ones on my Goodreads profile – take a look. I’ve only just started blogging on WordPress, but I’ll get around to moving a few more across if people like them enough.

        You may like my two attempts at published books too: Eleven Miles and When Pleasure Blooms. And maybe my “Titbits” page from the top menu.

        I like your blog. You have some very interesting posts here. I’ll try to find some time to look around.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My Goodreads profile is much more mature with more content. I just adore Goodreads. Befriend me there and take a GOOD look around my profike. There’s tonnes there: quotes, reviews, photos, my writing (shorties) and my books, complete with very candid, and shocking yet very pleasing reviews. You’ll see what i mean! Leave as many likes and comments in all of it as you will. Have fun!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m not a great fan of public schools as I see the quality dropping all the time. But as being among other kids of their age is also quite important all we can do is giving our kids as much support as we can give to them. A strong base is the success for every expedition 😉

    I think you did a great job trying to teach your kids at home. And I’m pretty sure they will rock the class.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You will be fine and they will be fine. I’m sure they have a really good sense of knowing that your intentions and reasons are always in their best interest. Please don’t be hard on yourself, I’m sure those cool mom spidey-senses will kick in if anything is amiss. Keep swimming Momma!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I actually debated with whether I should comment on this post because I don’t totally agree with you on this issue. I understand you’re upset but when it comes to family – what you want is not the ultimate decision. If your husband is telling you that the family needs you to go back to work because your quality of life is suffering, then that’s what you do. Your relationship with your husband affects your kids as well. I commend you for pursuing your dream but is it your family’s dream too? Your husband is telling you that he needs you to help him and the family by going back to work fulltime. Maybe he didn’t express himself in the best way. I hate bullies. And certainly i cannot discern the family dynamics in one short post. I know what is like to have a dream quashed for the good of the family. That’s the basis of my blog. You are strong. You are educated. You’ll figure it out. It’s difficult for sure but when you get married, it’s no longer what you want. It’s about what the 4 of you want. You don’t like it. I get it. You can do a lot for your kids outside of homeschooling to further their educations. I have an advanced child in public school. His homework is a joke. And when they give him free homework passes, it’s laughable! But we make him do more at home. You just got to buck up girl and come up with something else to make it work. I’m not trying to be insensitive but as a parent and a wife myself, you have to do what you have to do even if you don’t like it.

    Like

    • I agree. I think I am most hurt by the words said day in and day out about how I was teaching them. We are actually doing okay financially, and it isn’t about me having to find a different job at all. I do everything I can for my kids, and I have sacrificed a lot of me since becoming a mom 14 years ago. It is hard when the other person doesn’t make an effort to listen. Thanks for your honesty.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Sometimes a Mum has to do what a Mum has to do. Your children are so very lucky that you have given them time and have an interest in their education. There are very few schools around that truly follow the child but luckily one of them is close to my home and that is where I send our son. While kids were struggling with backpacks full of books and seven classrooms, seven teachers, assignments etc all in their first day of year 9 at traditional schools, he was writing, filming and editing a feature film over the first three days of school. I don’t think he knows how lucky he is!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I hope you get to feeling better about the situation! Sometimes we have to do things we don’t necessarily like but we get through them! Stay strong!
    Also, I want to say I love your everything about your blog and your writing style! Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! We are all adjusting back to the school lifestyle, and figuring out life again 🙂 Thanks for the kind words about my blog! They really mean a lot! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Things Are Turning Around | A Beautiful Disaster

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