I am one of those people who speak before they think. It’s like a bad movie, when I am saying something hurtful or too brutally honest. My brain is already telling me, “what were you thinking saying that”, before I am even done uttering the words. If I were to tell you all of the times I have said something regrettable, I would have a novel, and have to charge you to read it. I write about this tonight, because I am reminded of a time, about 10 years ago, that such an instance occurred.
I was in a very chaotic time in my life. I was trying to hold up my whole world, as it was falling to pieces all around me. I had a job that didn’t pay all of my bills, a four year old child, and my life was heading in a very scary direction that I had no control of. I was stressed to the max. The sun was shining bright, as I gazed out the kitchen window while doing dishes. When all of a sudden, I heard a loud crash. I looked out the adjacent kitchen window, and saw my husband’s dirt bike laying on its side in the road, right next to a SUV. I dropped everything and ran outside.
It turns out, it was a friend of his riding the bike. He and the SUV had collided, and he was ok. Enter my husband’s aunt. She was, and still is, our neighbor, and had heard the crash. She ran over to our home to see if we were ok. Well the woman driving the SUV was angry and yelling, and my husband’s friend was yelling, and I was already over the top stressed out…..this scenario was just the icing on the cake. Now mind you, this was 10 years ago, so all of the details of the day are foggy, but one thing had lead to another, and I found myself in a yelling match with my husband’s aunt.
I don’t even know why!! Neither of us had seen the crash, and she had come over just to make sure we were ok, but for some reason we were yelling at each other, and I was popping off at the mouth with some very hurtful stuff. She didn’t deserve that. I finally had enough, and just went back into the house. We never have spoke of the incident. The first family gathering after that was awkward. And then, we just became family again…..or still.
This woman is one of the most amazing people I know. She has raised a wonderful family, and carries herself so well. She is always giving to others, and is completely selfless. She has helped my family in ways I cannot repay, and I bet she doesn’t even know. Now her mother has passed away…it breaks my heart. This is the reason for the memory popping into my head tonight. How my heart is breaking for her and her loss. She was with her mom every free second she had.
And how I feel so bad for the words I said over 10 years ago. How I let my stress break me at the wrong time, and take it out on the wrong person. And how we have never spoken of it, and how I have never said I’m sorry. I am forever thankful that she is in my life, and feel so blessed that she is my family. I try now to be slower to speak. To think before I just spout off, but it does still happen. I’m working on it. BUT I have never popped off to her since that one day. I know she is always there for me, and I hope she knows I am always here for her, too ❤